Heartache and Hope

After mentioning in Friday’s post that Todd and I had a hard time over Thanksgiving, I thought I should expand on what happened.  I rarely get this personal on my blog, but I realize that reading others’ experiences with this issue has helped me.  I hope that by writing this it may bring comfort to someone.  I am not completely sure how I want to say everything, and this post may be edited and re-written a few times.  I want it to come across that even though something negative has happened, Todd and I are not without hope!

We have dealt with infertility for years.  Yes, we have a beautiful, healthy, amazing little boy!  He is certainly our miracle – praise God!  But before we had him, it took years to get pregnant.  I also had a miscarriage before getting pregnant with Davis.  That was one of the hardest things I’ve experienced, and I still think about that little life all the time.

I won’t get into too many details, but we have been back doing fertility treatments, because having another baby on our own was not happening.  We found out we were pregnant after this last round of treatment, and it was very exciting, and almost unbelievable!  I took a test, and it was positive!!! For any of you who have tried and tried to get pregnant, and have longed for a baby, you know that seeing 2 lines or a plus sign on that home pregnancy test is a surreal feeling.

I called my parents, and told a couple of my best friends who I had kept in the loop about our fertility treatments.  I still had this feeling deep down that something could go wrong, but I figured it was just because I will always feel that way given my past.

I went to the doctor for blood work, and the results were not ideal.  I was pregnant, but the hormone level they wanted (hcg) was low, and my progesterone (even though I was taking progesterone to supplement) was also low.  The nurse told me this pregnancy could go either way. When you go through these fertility treatments, they tell you, and show you on the ultrasound, how many mature eggs you have.  You take hormones that also increase your chance of multiples.  Going into this, we thought that we could possibly have twins, but as soon as we heard that hcg level, we knew that not only were we not having twins (it would have been much higher), but we may not even have one baby.

I cried some, and had a hard day, but I did not break down.  God has given me a sense of hope and peace through this process.  I cannot explain it, but He has kept me from losing my joy. 

Once I told my friends who knew what was going on, they were giving me constant encouragement, praying for me, sending me Bible verses, and even left a gift for me on my porch.  I could not be more grateful for the support we’ve felt from the few family and friends who know what has happened.

So, I had to wait a few days to go back for follow-up bloodwork.  They called me the afternoon before Thanksgiving while I was at my parents’ house and we were setting up for our family party that night.  She called and said my hormone levels had dropped, and made sure I understood what that meant.  I did, but finding out you’re going to have a miscarriage, before you actually see the physical signs, is strange.

I stayed strong (more like numb I guess) through Thanksgiving and family things, but it really started to hit me this week.  I just feel sort of lifeless.  I am tired from being busy, but knowing that you’re losing a little life that was growing inside you is draining.  I’ve also cried at random moments, like when we watched one of the latest episodes of “How I Met Your Mother,” and Lily finds out she’s pregnant with their second child.

I just keep thinking that I have two babies in heaven and one here, and that reality is tough and makes me upset.

Thank you to our family and the few friends who know for the way you’ve comforted us and lifted our spirits.  You have made this easier and we feel very loved. 

I know that having early miscarriages cannot compare to losing a baby when you’re further along, or having a sick child.  And it especially does not come close to someone’s child dying.  It is not a cancer diagnosis or a tragic accident.  Todd and I are beyond blessed to have our health, and a healthy son who is full of life and a happy spirit!  But, so many (too many) people experience miscarriage, and I wanted to be a small voice to represent those people.

My mom sent me the verses Psalm 77:10-12 last week and they have helped me tremendously.  I keep saying them over and over in my mind.  Our God is a miracle worker.  He has given us joy, and this will not take that away.  Even through this hard time, I have been able to praise God.

I will remember what God has done and continues to do in our lives.

Yes. Amen!

Source: Lara Casey

The older I get, the more I know and believe in the power of God.  He is able to do immeasurably more than we could ask or imagine (Ephesians 3:20-21).  He has a plan for our family, and whether it is through adoption or biological childbirth, I believe we have more miracles in our future.

In the meantime, we are making it a goal to fully embrace this time as a family of 3 (plus our dog).  Davis is a miracle for us, and we are beyond grateful for this time with our little boy!

Thank you for reading this.  If you’ve experienced something similar and want to share your story, feel free to email me or write it in the comments.  I love how the blogging and social media community connects people, and I pray that my story and others’ can spread the message of hope.